So last night it was my sister’s 21st birthday dinner. I had prepared to say a few words and was planning to read a beautiful poem she had written when she was only 12. Even though I speak in front of people all the time as a yoga teacher I was feeling really quite nervous. I used to suffer terribly with social anxiety and would avoid any public speaking moment like the plague. Some might say it was a safe environment surrounded by family and friends, however people who have felt the deep rooted fear of social anxiety disorder will tell you that this is the worst kind of situation in which to stand up in front of everyone. The feeling that everyone knows you well makes the fear of being vulnerable all the more acutely painful and challenging.
I limited myself to only one glass of wine, as I know I don’t feel my best the next day after more and one is more than enough for me. However my nerves were not subsiding so each time the waiter topped up the wine I was very grateful for more to dampen the feelings. Before I knew it I was really quite tipsy and joined my cousins outside for a cheeky few drags on a fag. As an ex smoker when I drink more than a few glasses it is not long before the old desire to join the smokers rears its head.
So here is my quandary; is it ever OK to drink more than you know is enough for you, to purposely drink to the point that you know you will feel bad the next day? I know to some people this is likely a ridiculous question and they would say ‘Hell yes’ as the drinking culture and especially binge drinking culture is so socially acceptable. Then there is the yoga and conscious crowd who might say drinking at all is really not part and parcel of living a conscious life, which I can absolutely see the merits in.
As a teenager and young adult I spent a lot of time altering my state of mind with various substances. It was a constant search for a different feeling and sensation. You might call it ‘numbing out’ and I’m sure it was. But for me it became the thing I was really good at, it was one of my talents and I loved it, I was in love with the feeling of altering my state of mind. I remember on my yoga teacher training in India someone asked our Swami yoga teacher about the rules stating it was not allowed to smoke weed and what that was all about as India is often associated with marijuana. He responded by explaining that the effects of diligent yoga practice over time has very similar effects to smoking weed, although it is completely natural within the body and completely controllable unlike drugs which you can’t control from one moment to the next. Therefore it is dangerous to combine yoga and smoking weed, and of course the various health negatives etc.
These ideas were very interesting to me as I had a very ‘drug like’ experience during my time in India at the Shivaratri festival. During this festival the tradition is to stay up all night chanting the names of Shiva, mantras such as Om Namah Shivaya and many more. I managed to stay up till about 3 in the morning and only went to bed after experiencing feelings which were so intense and strange I can only liken it to taking drugs. After many hours of chanting I started to feel the different parts of my body vibrating at such speed it was making me feel physically sick. The kind of sick you feel when you are having such a strong high that your body can’t keep up and wants to do something in order to regain balance. It honestly was not a great feeling and after a while of trying to calm the feeling down I scuttled off to bed burying my head and trying to make the feeling go away.
I have also found it very interesting that yoga people often tend to be those who have had some kind of misspent youth, they have dabbled in this or that and are now reformed characters who get high on feeling great every day. Which you build up from a daily yoga practice combined with being in alignment; heart, mind and body and looking after yourself in the most nourishing way. My own personal journey down the path of moving on from my old binge drinking and unhealthy mind-altering ways has been a long and winding one. When I returned from India I felt so fantastic that I had no need for any artificial stimulants for months and months. When that feeling wore off as Western life filtered back in I was back to old habits although much reduced and less frequent. Since then I have been making promises to myself about how much I drink and working on starving the very resilient ‘social smoker’ that lurks in my depths. And there are still times when I break my promises and drink too much and smoke some cigarettes. At the time I think it’s wonderful and so reminiscent of my youth, that familiar feeling of altering my mind (especially if it has been a stressful day or I am numbing uncomfortable feelings of being vulnerable) that I feel must have got it wrong in my sober moments and it’s actually absolutely fine and I should be doing it all the time! Until a few hours later or the next morning when I remember I broke my promise and therefore am out of integrity as well as hung over – nothing too fantastic about that.
So I think my conclusion is, as it has been many times before; keep trying, every day try to be my best self and some days I will smash it and others I will fail. As long as I am honest and always clean up the messes I make with grace and wisdom that is all I can ask of myself. Also, clearly do more yoga, drink less wine and seriously there is nothing to be gained from smoking fags apart from stinky breath and impaired lung function. Life is a series of learning experiences and one day I am hoping to learn that hang overs are never nice (especially once you get past 30!). Thank you for listening to (reading) my mental babble, it has been a pleasure.
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